NBA WEEKLY SMACK (EDITION TWO)

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HEAT CULTURE PROPSERS, KAT vs. EMBIID, KINGS WIN, IS KORKMAZ THE CLUTCHEST PLAYER IN NBA HISTORY?

Monday, October, 28

Pistons (2-2) def. Pacers (0-3), 96-94

Drummond feasted yet again on the Pacers frontcourt, dropping a routine double-double (18 PTS, 18 REB) on Indiana’s head. G-League God Christian Wood put his bucket getting mentality on display (19 PTS). This is the perfect situation for Wood to establish himself in the NBA. He undoubtedly has the talent to carve out a career in the NBA. Brogdon (15 PTS, 11 AST) and Sabonis (21 PTS, 14 REB) double-doubled for the Pacers who can’t seem to buy a win to start the year. The trio of egg whites off the bench doesn’t help. The Pacers will turn it around eventually. 

Knicks (1-3) def. Bulls (1-3), 105-98

 It was with this game that Bobby Portis established himself as a cult hero amongst the Knicks deluded fanbase. Last week we touched on how it seemed like Portis was the odd man out amongst the ‘Team Option’ crew. Now he’s the hottest commodity. All it took was a revenge game against the Bulls. Portis had MSG screaming his name as he lit it up (28 PTS) helping the Knicks to their first W of the season. RJ Barrett continued his strong play with a double double (19 PTS, 15 REB). Lil’ Jalen Rose is the early favorite for ROTY. Knicks basketball is back. All thanks to crazy eyes Portis. LaVine got buckets (21 PTS) and Wendell Carter Jr. 20-10’d up for defeated Bulls. They sure felt the wrath of their former teammate on this fateful night. 

76ers (3-0) def. Hawks (2-1), 105-103

 Embiid was acting a damn fool on his way to a textbook monster night (36 PTS, 13 REB, 5 AST, 3 STL). One football hike assist and a soul crushing dunk on John Collins were the highlights from Embiid’s dominant display. Trigga Trae kept his foot on the gas with another high scoring night (25 PTS). John Collins may have been dunked on, but he still contributed (16 PTS, 8 REB). The ‘YoungBloodz’ held their own against one of the league’s most fearsome starting units. TraeTL is on his way to an All-Star berth in his sophomore campaign. 

Raptors (3-1) def. Magic (1-2), 104-95

 Anunoby continued his outstanding two-way play against Orlando. The stat stuffer registered: 12 Points, 8 Rebounds, 5 Steals and 2 Blocks. Kyle Lowry led the Raptors (who were rocking the dino throwbacks) with 26 Points and Siakam kept his rampant run alive with 24 Points. #WeTheNorth is still a team to watch, even if Kawhi did leave for Cali. Johnathan Isaac hit a bunch of three-balls in a career high performance (24 PTS, 5 3PM, 7 REB, 3 STL, 2 BLK). The Florida State product is going to be a PROBLEM once his offense becomes a consistent threat. Markelle-Mania produced 13 Points in the loss. The Magic now have two legitimate reasons to watch their games. Which is two more reasons than they’ve had in recent times.

Warriors (1-2) def. Pelicans (0-4), 134-123

 Time to pop a thizz and get hyphy! The dubs got a W. D’Loading (24 PTS), Chef Curry (26 PTS) and a career high from Damion ‘Not David’ Lee (23 PTS) pushed the Golden State Warriors past NOLA. A positive sign from the dubs, but their roster is still devoid of legitimate NBA talent. The Pelicans early season’s struggles continue. Will Zion even come to fruition this season? Big Dog B.I. kept his torrid run up with another high scoring double-double (27 PTS, 10 REBS). He must be loving life without LeBron. Nickeil Alexander-Walker (16 PTS) and Jaxson Hayes (19 PTS) enjoyed their most success at the NBA level. NAW will suprise a lot of people this season. He is NBA ready. Just look at his half-brother SGA. The Pelicans are looking more like the New No Limit instead of the original No Limit Soldiers at this early juncture of the season. 

Rockets (2-1) def. Thunder (1-3), 116-112

 CP3’s return to the Toyota Center wasn’t triumphant. The veteran guard dropped 15 in a losing effort against his former squad. SGA helped himself to 22 as did Schroeder. SGA has put the league on notice through the first two weeks. He’s on the verge of becoming every analyst’s favorite player. Shai the slender one is making the Paul George trade look like a very smart move. Harden halfway broke out of his shooting slump to bless us with his first 40 Point bomb of the season. He doesn’t really need to shoot the ball well (8/20 FG) to be effective. He gets to the line (21/22 FTs) more than anyone in history. Harden is the human cheat code. There’s two things guaranteed in life: An instagram influencer posting a fit in FashionNova ‘drip’ and James Harden being the most polarising player in the NBA. Maybe even in NBA history. Westbrook nearly triple-doubled against his former franchise (21 PTS, 12 REBS, 9 AST), Capela contributed (15 PTS) and ‘the man who be in the corner more than ya neighborhood durg dealer’, PJ Tucker sniped his way double digits (17 PTS). All is well in H-Town. The microscope is always looming. 

Bucks (2-1) def. Cavs (1-2), 129-112

 Giannis struggled with his shot (14 PTS, 5/15 FG) so a balanced scoring effort drove the Bucks past the Goodyear Cavaliers. George Hill (19 PTS), Pat Connaughton (17 PTS), Bledsoe (14 PTS), Middleton (21 PTS), Wes Matthews (14 PTS), and B-Lopez (16 PTS) shared the load in the W. We all figured out who the Bucks were last season, a very good basketball team. The loss of Brogdon leaves an iffy aura around their contention chances though. 6 Cavs scored in double digits. I honestly can’t be bothered writing my thoughts about this team. These guys are about as watchable as a Kanye album in 2019 is listenable. In case you don’t get it. The Cavs are must-miss basketball. 

Spurs (3-0) def. Blazers (2-2), 113-110 

 The Spurs flipped a first quarter deficit on its head, as they ousted the Blazers. Derrick White returned to his last season form by dropping 21, and Derozan had 26 in the 3 point victory. The Spurs will be a tough stop on the schedule for the rest of eternity. With Zach Collins injured, the Blazers were forced to start Tolliver at the 4 spot. If Anthony ‘All About a Dollar’ Tolliver is starting in 2019, the results won’t be too good. Skal Labissiere should fill that void sooner rather than later. Dame and CJ (28 PTS, 27 PTS) did their duo gimmick to the best of their ability. It just wasn’t enough for the short-handed Blazers. Dame and CJ can only do so much.

Jazz (3-1) def. Suns (2-2), 96-95

 Bojan Bogdanovic is already living up to that payday (29 PTS). His ability to get crafty buckets and light it up from deep has relieved some of the pressure on Spida Mitchell (25 PTS) to be an outright first option. Once Mike Conley learns how to play basketball again (1 PT) the Jazz will be the topic of conversation at every party where you encounter supposed ‘die-hard’ NBA fans. Rudy Hoe-bert secured a big boy double-double (15 PTS, 18 REB) for the polygamist capital of the world. Phoenix is a pleasant early season suprise. The DeAndre Ayton suspension hasn’t thwarted their momentum at all. Seems like the front office finally hired a decent coach for the first time since Alvin Gentry. Shout out Monty Williams. Booker (20 PTS) and Oubre (18 PTS) led the Suns in scoring again. Kaminsky continues his career revival on the Suns (10 PTS, 8 REB). The Suns are fun again. How long will this last?

Nuggets (3-0) def. Kings (0-4)

 Is it time to trademark the Luke Walton Effect? On a positive note, Richaun Holmes showed out. His high energy, relentless play has been underrated for a few seasons. Here’s hoping his 24 Point performance, which was filled with soul-crushing dunks  and euro- step finesse, earns him the starting gig for the Kings. They might as well after an uninspired 0-4 start. D. Fox had 20 Points and 9 Assists in the Kings fourth loss. Yet again, the Nuggets were a picture of balance. The backcourt duo Jamal Murray (18 PTS) and Gary Harris (17 PTS) led the way for the Mile High merchants. The Nuggets are like the Bucks of the Western Conference. We witnessed their rapid rise last season and are now expecting more of the same. The excitement factor has lowered significantly with the Nuggets. It’s been replaced by expectation now. Bol Bol has to pop out soon.

Clippers (3-1) def. Hornets (1-3), 111-96

 The Clippers bounced back after their shock loss to the Suns. Kawhi got his numbers (30 PTS, 6 AST, 7 REB), so did Lou (23 PTS) and Trez (19 PTS). These Clippers are nice. Kawhi must love being back in LA, smoking Runtz straight out the pound. The Hornets were blown out once more in Staples. Scary Terry scored (17 PTS), Devonte’ Graham continues to impress (14 PTS, 12 AST) and Malik Monk got buckets (15 PTS). The youth must continue shining in Charlotte. Or else it’s going to be a long season in Buzz City. 

Tuesday, October 29

Heat (3-1) def. Hawks (2-2), 112-97

 Jimmy Buckets AKA the NBA’s biggest alpha, made his return to the hardwood. He missed the few games due to the birth of his daughter. Congrats’ Jimmy. He showed he deserves to be the new face of the Heat with a stellar performance (21 PTS). Tyler Herro stole the show with the highest rookie scoring output on the Heat since D Wade’s rookie season (29 PTS). Herro’s hype train keeps gaining steam. He may look like a film extra in one of Adam Sandler’s terrible comedies but the boy can hoop. Let’s hope he doesn’t get lost in the lust of Vice City.  Goran summoned the dragons off the bench (21 PTS), Nunn struggled but still got buckets (17 PTS, 7/18 FGs) and Onomatopoeia Adebayo dropped a double double (17 PTS, 10 REB). Trae Young exited early with a sprained ankle (5 PTS, 11 Mins). The ATLiens struggled without their top gunner. John Collins bombed away for the only noteworthy Hawks performance (30 PTS, 5 3PM). Speedy recovery incoming (hopefully)

Mavericks (3-1) def. Nuggets (3-1), 109-106 

 9 Mavericks scored in double digits, as they beat the Nuggets at their own game. Sharing the wealth is an understatement. Rick Carlisle had them swinging the ball like they still had Deshawn Stevenson and Jason Terry in opposite corners. Throwback to that 2011 run for sure. After a few games of being carried by the Euro-duo, the other Mavs showed up in what might be the ‘team’ performance of the season. Jokic had a ho-hum triple-double (10 PTS, 10 REB, 10 AST),  Millsap led the way in scoring (23 PTS) and the rest of the Nuggets starting lineup contributed as well. I’m still shocked at the fact 9 Mavericks scored double figures. I challenge you to name each Mav who achieved this feat. That’s this weeks challenge.

Lakers (3-1) def. Grizzlies (1-3), 120-91

 It was a close game until a 3rd quarter explosion from the Lakers sealed the W. Anthony Davis let the world know that KAT wasn’t the only big man capable of posting video game numbers (40 PTS, 20 REBS, 26/27 FTs). Yup a 40-20 for AD. 27 Free Throw attempts? He must be studying at the school of Harden. Bron was Bron (23 PTS, 8 AST) and did his usual routine of dancing on the sidelines during a blowout. I know some of the benchwarmer’s (Talen Horton-Tucker) must think Bron is an absolute cornball during moments like these. King shit though, I guess. KCP continued to prove that if he scores in double figures (13 PTS) the Lakers cannot lose. Ja Morant’s STAPLES debut didn’t go to plan but he still did his thing (16 PTS). Memphis are just a couple seasons away from being a couple seasons away. Just like Bruno Caboclo. 

Wednesday, October, 30

Cleveland (2-2) def. Chicago (1-4), 117-111

 Tristan ‘Faithful’ Thompson is lighting up the league. He led Believeland with a stellar outing (23 PTS, 10 REB, 5 BLK). Maybe he’s finally living up to that Klutch Sports stimulus contract? Khloe is somewhere mad as hell. Sexton dunked all over Wendell Carter Jr. It was a 10/10 poster. After Richaun’s massacre and now Sexton’s slam, we have really been blessed with some classic posters this week. Top 10 status. 6 Cavs were in double digits in the W. We’re still waiting on that Darius Garland outburst. The Bulls struggled to say the least. Are they tanking? Or just terrible? Someone rescue Chi-Town from limbo. It’s only week 2, so I’ll try not to be so reactionary but it’s not looking good in the Windy City. GarPax is king. 

Magic (2-2) def. New York (1-4), 95-83

 Chase-a-bag Vucevic was back at it with his signature line (21 PTS, 13 REB, 4 AST). Steve Clifford sure knows how to get the most out of Center’s. If only he cared about Mo Bamba like Sheck Wes does. Johnathan Isaac AKA Our ‘Lord and Saviour Clamps’ or ‘None of My Teammates Show Up to Watch Me Preach’ and his proficient defensive ability were key to limiting the New York Team Option’s to 83 Points. RJ Barrett finally struggled (9 PTS), baby Jalen Rose should be ok. Julius Randle did a little bit of everything (16 PTS, 10 REB, 7 AST) in another L. If we’re being real, the Knicks are terrible and don’t deserve even 1/8th of the attention they get. New York is the mecca of suck. 

Philadelphia (3-1) def. Timberwolves (3-1), 117-95

 The week 1 champs (do they get a ring? Or maybe even a banner) were destroyed by the 76ers. One of the most bizarre NBA fights occurred between Joel ‘Shadowbox like Wu-Tang’ Embiid and Karl Anthony ‘Look I’m Not Soft Anymore Guys’ Towns. The ‘fight’ was a mix between Smackdown vs Raw 2007’s grappling system (the year they switched to the analogue sticks) and an Olympic wrestling contest (shout out Kurt Angle), as the two behemoths stumbled around and into each other like two drunkards at an EDM festival. The craziest thing of the whole fracas was Ben Simmons putting KAT in a Crippler Crossface (don’t RIP C***s B****t). Does this mean no more Fortnite link-ups for the two? Embiid and KAT were ejected. Joel played to the crowd (and Mike Scott) like he just won the main event of Wrestlemania 19. He was also greeted to a pair of dirty birds from KAT’s Mother. It was more comical than anything. Embiid’s trolling continued on social media with a post which shouted out Jimmy Butler (is Embiid the ultimate tweener?). KAT must be dealing with some serious PTSD right now. Ok, enough about that bullshit ‘fight’. The game was a blow out. The Timberwolves had to drop off at some point. #WigginsWatch, he faded away to 19 Points, and a staggering +/- of -27. I know +/- doesn’t mean anything but everytime I check Wiggins’ it’s always the worst on the team. Whenever the next TimberSixers matchup is, it’s about to be Jurassic (word to Slimesito).

Celtics (3-1) def. Bucks (2-2), 116-105 

 Is Gordon Hayward the ‘great white hope’ again? He might be back (21 PTS, 10 REB, 7 AST). Kemba was on his UCONN ‘ish as he sent Giannis to another dimension with his step-back jumper. Kemba had his first superstar performance for the Celtics (32 PTS, 14/15 FTs). Tatum was smooth (25 PTS) and Marcus Smart bombed away (19 PTS, 5 3PM) in the national TV dub. Giannis (22 PTS, 14 REB) and Khris Middleton (26 PTS) carried the Bucks in the 9-point defeat. Did Eric Bledsoe get paid and stop giving a fuck? We shall find out as the season progresses. #BagChaserMentality. 

Pacers (1-3) def. Nets (1-3), 118-108 

 Malcolm Brogdon has his sights set on a All-Star berth (21 PTS, 13 AST, 8 REB, 3 STL). Myles Turner exited early after an injury scare. MRI on the way. The rest of the Pacers starters balled out to help them capture their first W of the season. TJ Warren (20 PTS), Jeremy Lamb (25 PTS) and Sabonis Jr. (29 PTS, 8 REB) finally got things poppin’. Keep note of the Pacers progression throughout the season. Brooklyn might be engulfed in Kyre hype (and the hit-pieces from Boston sportswriters that accompany the hype) but the early season returns have to be disappointing for the Brook-nam faithful. Big Blood Byrie (28 PTS) and Digi-Coin Dinwiddie (20 PTS) did their job but it wasn’t enough to thwart defeat. Might be time for Kyrie to realign his chakras.

Toronto (4-1) def. Detroit (2-3), 125-113

 Siakam went Codeine Crazy once more (30 PTS, 5 REB, 5 AST). It’s smooth sailing for T Dot right now as they dealt with Detroit by a dozen. K-Low was solid like Beanie Sigel in ‘01 (20 PTS), Serge Ibaka (19 PTS) and Norman Powell (19 PTS) featured off the bench. It’s heartwarming to see Toronto doing well. Kawhi may have left town, but the championship hangover is not showing. This ain’t Dallas in 2012 bih. Drummond had 20-20 vision (21 PTS, 22 REB) like he got his cartier frames from one of Kasher Quon’s fake instagram pages. D Rose continues to put in work (16 PTS, 10 AST) off the bench. Derrick Rose adds novelty to the Detroit season. Once him and Blake Griffin log-in, we can reminisce about how they were the future of the league at the start of this decade. 

Blazers (3-2) def. Thunder (1-4), 102-99

 Dame (23 PTS, 13 AST) and CJ (22 PTS) (not the San Andreas one) put on for Portland yet again, as their spurtability led Rip City over the OKC Draft Assets. Two 20 pieces, like my Wingstop order for the dynamic backcourt. Skal Labissiere’s time is here. Time to find out if he is Alex Ajinca or Anthony Davis-lite. The Thunder kept things close in the loss. Shai Greg-Anthony slowed down (13 PTS, 3/13 FG). He may experience some growing pains this season but SGA is the real deal. CP3 had a game (21 PTS), and I hope Nerlens ‘Hot Dogs’ Noel can continue to start for fantasy basketball purposes (15 PTS, 14 REB). Don’t forget about the draft assets. Presti the mastermind. 

Rockets (3-1) def. Wizards (1-3), 159-158

 Let me preface this by saying WTF? Are we sure these guys didn’t play 6 quarters of basketball? Apparently the Rockets and Wizards decided to ignore defense, turn the shooting sliders up and put up one of the most ridiculous score lines in NBA history. 159-158! That’s something you don’t even see in an NBA Live 2004 simulation. It almost feels insulting to the trash-bag that is NBA 2K20 to say that H-Town and Washington were playing like it’s a game of 2K. Anything is possible when D’Antoni and Scott Brooks collide. James Harden burst out of his shooting slump with a signature ‘everyone stand in the corner and watch me’ 50 ball (59 PTS, 9 AST, 17/18 FTs). Capela travelled to double-double land (21 PTS, 12 REB) and Westbrook unsurprisingly triple-doubled (17 PTS, 12 AST, 10 REB). This game is destined to have all the old-heads mad. Beal went toe-to-toe with his fellow two-guard with an elite scoring binge (46 PTS, 8 AST, 7 3PM). Beal is one of my favorite players to watch. Pure scorer hours. Rui (23 PTS) and Bertans (21 PTS, 6 3PM) offered significant contributions to the Wizards 158 Points. This is the early nominee for most ridiculous regular season game of the year. Personally, I don’t think it will be topped. 

Hornets (2-3) def. Kings (0-5), 118-111

 It’s official. The Luke Walton effect has strangled the once promising Kings. They are officially the worst team in the league after this loss to the Hornets. Definitely an overreaction since the Kings are extremely talented but an 0-5 start does cement them as the worst through two weeks. Surely this is Luke Walton’s last coaching job? All the starters got their numbers. Even Harrison ‘Bag-Hunter’ Barnes. It wasn’t enough though. Scary Terry prospered during spooky season (22 PTS, 6 AST), Zeller held it down for his family (12 PTS, 15 REB), PJ Washington continues a stellar rookie run (23 PTS) and Michigan State’s Miles Bridges came to the party (17 PTS). Who’s the more mediocre white basketball family, Zeller’s or the Plumlee’s? Sac-town stay cursed by the Maloof’s. 

Jazz (4-1) def. Clippers (3-2), 110-96

 A result that is bound to have the hipster’s wylin’. They prolly had Tame Impala in rotation whilst they watched the box score of this blowout. A nice result for the Jazz, until you realise the Clippers devolved into the Los Angeles Load Managers. They went from Gyrados to Magikarp real quick. Kawhi sat this one out. It should be a rule that the Clippers can’t rock their San Andreas uniforms whilst they are ‘load managing’ their star player. JaMychal ‘Not Jeff or Draymond or Trent’ Green (23 PTS) and Lou Will (24 PTS) were the only players to splash for the Load Managers. Conley broke out of his Utah slump (29 PTS), and Spida did the deed (24 PTS) as the Jazz ran the Clippers out the gym. All jokes aside, this Jazz squad firing on all cylinders will be good to watch. There’s always the added bonus of Quin Snyder who looks like he does a whole 8 ball of coke before the game.

Suns (3-2) def. Warriors (1-3), 121-110

 14 first quarter points for the Yay Area. That putrid first quarter personifies their season thus far. D’Angelo, Steph, Draymond and the G-Leaguer’s have been seriously struggling in the early juncture of the season. D’Loading tried (15 PTS), and Eric Paschall shows he belongs in the league (20 PTS). That’s about as far as the compliments go far GSW. Willie Trill made his return. But Steph broke his hand and will be out for the foreseeable future. The dynasty is over everybody. Let Alec Burks take more shots, that’s the key to victory right there. Fair to say the bandwagon has departed San Fran and it soon may depart Steph. Maybe this is bad karma for ditching Oracle Arena and the Oakland faithful? Soon these San Fran execs won’t want to show up to watch a lottery team. We believe! The Suns continue to surprise and impress. D-Book (31 PTS), Gisborne born Aaron Baynes (24 PTS, 13 REB, 7 AST, 3 BLK) and Dario Saric (16 PTS, 9 REB, 5 STL) impressed in the Suns’ 3rd victory of the year. Is D’Loading purposely tanking his trade value so he can play alongside either KAT or D-Book? It sure seems like it. 

Thursday, October, 31

Heat (4-1) def. Hawks (2-3), 106-97

 Kendrick Nunn is the first rookie since Kevin Durant to amass 100 points over the first 5 games of the regular season. Historic company for the undrafted gem. His scoring run continued (28 PTS) as the Heat took care of a Trae Young-less Hawks squad. Jimmy Butler stuffed the stat sheet in unprecedented fashion (5 PTS, 11 AST, 9 REB, 6 STL, 3 BLK), and Tyler Herro (17 PTS) continues to build his hype. Kendrick Nunn ROTY? It’s a possibility. DeAndre Bembry AKA the swaggiest player in the league, stood out for the Hawks (18 PTS, 8 AST, 10 REB, 2 STL) in the ATLiens 3rd loss. Jabari added a 20 piece (23 PTS) on Halloween. Bembry has all the tools to be a do-it-all swingman. Games like this are a display of his astute versatility. If he puts it together consistently he would add another layer of dexterity to the Hawks promising young core. #HeatCulture is still rolling though, don’t get it twisted.

Pelicans (1-4) def Nuggets (3-2), 122-107

 Ingram continues his early season emergence, as he (25 PTS) and Jahlil ‘Am I Better Than Emeka Yet?’ Okafor (26 PTS) led No Limit Records to their first win of the young season. Some lineup adjustments appeared to create a winning formula for New Orleans. Frank Jackson microwaved up off the bench (21 PTS) as well. New Orleans is currently a bunch of pieces that don’t mesh. It’s up to Alvin Gentry to re-rock the lineup until the pieces is hittin’. I heard Tor browser might help out with that. The Nuggets were down Will the Thrill for this game. This allowed Michael Porter Jr to rise from the surgery table. He led the Nuggets in scoring (15 PTS). Easily the most talented wing on the roster, it’s only a matter of time before he becomes a prominent member of Mike Malone’s rotation. Outside of Porter Jr, the rest of the Nuggets were relatively lackluster. The 2 game slide in Mile High is not concerning. The only concern is getting Bol Bol on the court, for the culture. 

Clippers (4-2) def. Spurs (3-1), 103-97 

 Death Row Records new signee, Kawhi Leonard sent a big ‘fuck you’ to his former team. His monster night led the Blippers to a dub (38 PTS, 12 REB, 4 STL). “If you don’t want Greg Poppovich all up in your videos… then come to the Blippers” screamed Patrick Beverly (allegedly). MonsterTrezz aided Kawhi in his revenge tour (24 PTS). The Clippers get scarier with each game. PG 13’s return will seriously shake the league up. For the Spurs, DeRozan mid-ranged his way to a decent night (29 PTS) and Derrick White continues to display the potential he showed last season (20 PTS, 2 BLK). The Spurs will be solid for eternity. 

Friday, November 1

Pacers (2-3) def Cavaliers (2-3), 102-95

 Brogdon continues to lead the Indiana squad (25 PTS) during their Oladipo-less run. Sabonis was a big body as he served up a European double-double (18 PTS, 17 REB) and Jeremy Lamb kept things going with another solid outing (21 PTS). Lamb has been one of the more underrated scorers in the league over the past few years. Hopefully a big playoff campaign for the Pacers will get him the recognition he deserves. Tristan Thompson came back to earth (7 PTS) after looking like the league’s best bigman the last couple games. K-Love continues his hunt for stats (22 PTS, 17 REB, 5 3PM), Sexton scored points (21 PTS) and so did Jordan Clarkson (20 PTS). All of Cleveland’s guards seem to cancel eachother out. Clarkson, Garland and Sexton are all combo-guards by nature. Where’s Ramon Sessions when you need him?

Celtics (4-1) def. Knicks (1-5), 104-102  

  Kemba the Knicks killer was back at it again (33 PTS). After a sluggish start to his Celtics tenure, K-Walk is on his way to becoming the leader of the Green Guys. Jayson ‘St Lunatic’ Tatum also showed out in the two point win (24 PTS). His game winner was equal parts crafty, cold-blooded and swagged out. Poetry in motion. It’s almost a redemption year for the Celtics and their fanbase, as they look to recapture the contender status they failed to live up to last season. Marcus Morris Sr. added fuel to the ‘revenge’ game trope (29 PTS) by balling out against his former team. RJ Barret bricked his way to double digits (15 PTS, 5/17 FG). It’s going to be a rocky road for the Canadian Jalen Rose. Attempting to be the alpha dog on a team which has the combustible personalities of Portis, Morris and Randle will create an interesting environment for the rook. Add the NY media to this concoction and you have a recipe that creates the vaunted ‘rookie wall’. RJ’s start was promising. Just remember there will be ups and downs throughout this rookie journey.

Bucks (3-2) def. Magic (2-3), 123-91 

 A good old blowout for Milwaukee.Giannis was the only player with a notable statline (29 PTS, 14 REB, 6 AST). Nothing really else to say about this contest. The sooner the Magic release the ‘Wingspan Trio’ of Isaac, Fultz and Bamba from their shackles, the better. This faux-compete for playoffs schtick is literal torture for fanbases. It appears the Magic are stuck in that faux-compete state for yet another season. 

Nets (2-3) def. Rockets (3-2), 123-116

 Caris ‘Quick Step’ Levert (25 PTS), Kyrie (22 PTS, 10 AST) and Taurean Prince (27 PTS, 12 REB) led the Nets to their second win of the season. If Taurean Prince can string together some stellar performances then the Nets stock will rise. He is capable of being an elite role player on a contending team. The Nets season will be a rollercoaster well worth watching. Houston’s most dynamic duo since David Carr and Andre Johnson, Russell Westbrook (27 PTS, 8 AST, 7 REB) and James Harden (36 PTS, 2/16 3PT, 14/15 FT) got their numbers in a loss. Harden’s mastery was on display once again. His shooting percentage is comically low but it really doesn’t matter if you can finesse the free throw system. Danuel House (15 PTS) has been solid to start the year. Is this the Rockets year?

Bulls (2-4) def. Detroit (2-4), 112-106 

 The Human Minutes Limit, Otto Porter Jr. (22 PTS) and Zach LaVine (27 PTS) powered the Bulls to victory in the unofficial battle of mediocrity. OPJ was off to a dawdling start this season. This mini-outburst is a promising sign for Bulls faithful. He’ll most likely never live up to his salary of $27 Million but if he can produce at the rate he has throughout his career then he’s a huge positive to any NBA roster. Drego (D-Rose) and Beno (Drummond) tried their best in a losing effort. Derrick Rose (23 PTS) and Drummond (25 PTS, 24 REB) have to perform at All-NBA levels for this Pistons team to succeed. B-Griff come back soon please. 

Lakers (4-1) def. Mavericks (3-2), 119-110

 LeBron reminded everyone of his greatness in the overtime clash. His gaudy triple double (39 PTS, 16 AST, 12 REB, 4 STL) and Anthony Davis’ complementary play (31 PTS, 8 REB) were the catalysts in LA’s national TV victory. Bron was too much to handle on this night. Luka Doncic was defiant in his response to James’ monster night (31 PTS, 15 AST, 11 REB) as he notched a triple double of his own. Unfortunately the ‘Great White Hope’ couldn’t push the MAGAricks over the finish line. The other half of the Euro-Duo, FucktheKnicksStaps Porzingis struggled (16 PTS, 6/16 FG). This might be LeBron’s best performance in a Lakers uniform. It’s still weird that he’s wearing a Lakers uniform right?

Kings (1-5) def. Jazz (4-2), 102-101

 The young Kings shook off the 5 game haze of the ‘Luke Walton Effect’ to earn their first W of the season. De’Aaron Fox (25 PTS),  Buddy Hield (18 PTS) and Harrison Barnes timely putback game winner, led the Royals. It’s a relief the Kings finally got a W. How long for them to get to two? Still can’t figure out why they are so trash. ‘Luke Walton Effect’ or ‘Maloof Curse’? Maybe a combination of the two. Donovan Mitchell (24 PTS) and the Stifle Tower (15 PTS, 16 REB) were the best performers in disappointing loss for the Jazz. No doubt Quin Snyder berated them after this loss. At least Mike Conley (19 PTS) isn’t garbage anymore. Salt Lake City is on the rise. 

Spurs (4-1) def. Warriors (1-4), 127-110

 Game 1 of the D’Angelo Warriors went as expected. He threw up a bunch of shots on his way to a perc 30 (30 PTS, 8 AST). Rookie splash family member Jordan Poole showed a glimpse of his potential (20 PTS, 4 3PM). The Warriors still lost, and lost by a lot. It’s looking all bad for the Yay Area team right now. With plans to load manage Draymond ‘We Don’t Need KD’ Green, GSW appear to be destined for a lottery pick. Bandwagoners must be so confused right now. Patty Mills did his best Lou Williams impression, as he dropped a perc 30 in response to D’Loading’s perc 30. Mills scored in bunches (31 PTS). LaMarcus Aldrige did his thing (22 PTS) and Rudy ‘Best Jumper on 2K9-2K13’ Gay (16 PTS) added to the bench onslaught. The Spurs got it clickin’ right now. Free SPM (maybe not).

Saturday, October 3

Thunder (2-4) def. Pelicans (1-5), 115-104

 The Draft Assets notched their second win of the young season. SGA AKA Silk The Shocker led the way for the franchise that has more assets than the Rothschilds’ (23 PTS, 8 REB). Nerlens Noel blocked the shit out of his former ‘process’ teammate (8 PTS, 6 BLK), Gallo (16 PTS) and CP3 (15 PTS, 9 AST) contributed in the win. An injury scare meant Ingram had to leave the game. It seems the only thing that could stop his rise was an injury. Let’s hope it’s nothing too serious. His emergence as an all-around beast has been one of the better storylines this season. JJ Reddick emerged from slumber (17 PTS), Josh Hart doubled up (12 PTS, 15 REB), and Jrue (16 PTS) hooped up in the loss. The Pelicans are a bit of a mess right now. Too many pieces and not enough cohesion. And no Zion. As long BI continues his torrid run through the league, they’ll be worth watching. 

Pistons (3-4) def. Nets (2-4), 113-109

 The walking 20-20 Andre Drummond tallied his 3rd straight 20-20 game and his fourth of the season in Detroit’s win over Brooklyn (25 PTS, 20 REB, 6 AST, 5 BLK, 3 STL). One of the most impressive stat-lines of the season. Did he buy his rebounding methods from Kasher Quon or Teejayx6? Either way he is feasting right now. Moses Malone type numbers. D-Rose was unavailable due to injury (sigh) which freed up shots for Duke Kennard (24 PTS) and Bruce Brown (22 PTS, 7 AST). The Pistons keep trekking on the treadmill. Kyrie struggled with his shot but filled the stat sheet for a triple double (20 PTS, 11 REB, 10 AST). Taurean Prince (20 PTS) and Joe Harris (18 PTS) had noteworthy performances in another Nets loss. The countdown to the next Kyrie hit-piece begins…

Nuggets (4-2) def. Magic (2-4), 91-87

 A rare NBA game in which the victorious squad barely scraped their way to over 90 points. The Magic’s wingspan will do that to you. Despite the clamps, Denver were able to emerge victorious from the war of bricks. Jokic (20 PTS) and Murray (22 PTS) duo’d up for the Nugs. ‘They’re no longer sneaking up on anyone’ but the Nuggets are still an elite basketball team. Vucevic did his thing in the battle of the Euros (24 PTS, 7 REB) and Aaron Gordon reminded everyone that he exists (21 PTS, 9 REB). What is Aaron Gordon’s endgame in the NBA. Is he waiting to emerge as a Blake Griffin-esque superstar? Or can he be a supercharged version of Draymond on a contending squad? A change of teams could bring the manifestation of these burning existential questions. 

Bucks (4-2) def. Raptors (4-2), 115-105

 Giannis superman’d his way to this W over the Canucks. A true display of putting the team on your back (36 PTS, 15 REB, 8 AST, 4 BLK). Greg Jennings would be proud. Does he repeat as MVP? The Bucks need him to if they have any hopes of recapturing last seasons success. Kyle Lowry went off (36 PTS) but Siakam finally hit a road bump (16 PTS, 7/19 FG) as one of the NBA’s most underrated teams fell to Budenholzer’s Bucks. It’s crazy that a defending champion squad can fly so far under the radar. That’s the 2019-20 NBA Season for you though. #soapopera.

Timberwolves (4-1) def. Wizards (1-4), 131-109

 KAT, the Divas champion, was serving his two-game suspension for the 76ers fiasco. That didn’t stop the Wolves from feasting on the Wizards. Touch Me Teague Me (15 PTS, 13 AST, 3 STL), Lord Robert Covington (20 PTS,2 BLK), Fadeaway Wiggins (21 PTS), Gorgui ‘Look At My Contract’ Dieng (18 PTS, 3 BLK) and Jarret Culver (20 PTS) all featured in the easy W. Do the Wizards play defense? Real Deal Beal (30 PTS) was the only noteworthy performer for the ‘Zards. #DCLottery, the odds are looking promising. 

Suns (4-2) def. Grizzlies (1-4), (114-105)

 The league’s most dynamic duo: Aaron Baynes (20 PTS, 4 3PM) and Devin Booker (21 PTS) led the Suns to a routine (too early for this?) win. The Suns might not be pretenders after all. Is it playoff fever in Phoenix? All they needed this whole time was Ricky Rubio. The Grizzlies rookies gave fans a glimpse into the future. Ja 2 Crazy (24 PTS, 7 AST) and Brandon Clarke (16 PTS, 11 REB, 3 STL, 2 BLK) showed the future is bright in Memph-town. Crunchy Black must be excited. 

Hornets (3-3) def. Warriors (1-5)

 Warriors worst team in the league? Could they even beat a G-League team in this current form? Since they have been a victim of unfortunate events (no Lemony Snicket’s) I’ll withhold from labelling them the worst team in the league. For now. They’re one Kings rebirth away from being slapped with that label. $10 to whoever can list the Warriors starting lineup from this game. It was Sam Hinkie 76ers-esque. I was just waiting for Tony Wroten to emerge from the underground like Rey Mysterio in ‘05. Eric Paschall filled the void of stats by getting his numbers (25 PTS). But who cares really, they lost to the Hornets. D-Bacon (25 PTS) career-highed in the contest and Scary Terry has strung together some decent performances for his new team (20 PTS, 7 AST). The Hornets are .500 whilst the Warriors are fielding lineups that would make fans of the 6ers ‘Process’ days spine tingle (Alexy Shved shoutout). The NBA. Where Amazing Happens.

76ers (5-0) def. Trail Blazers (3-3)

 Furkan Korkmaz buried a triple to win the game for the 76ers. You read that right, Korkmaz ensured Philly remain the only undefeated team in the NBA. What part of the simulation is this? This scenario gives me Sundiata Gaines flashbacks. Korkmaz producing off the bench is a huge positive for the Philly-boys. If they can get passable bench contributions, the 6ers will be a regular season behemoth. In the absence of Joel ‘Did he Delete the Comment or Not?’ Embiid, Tobias Harris (23 PTS), Al Horford (25 PTS), Ben Simmons (18 PTS, 11 AST, 8 REB) and Josh Richardson (17 PTS) kept Philly afloat in the thrilling encounter. The Al Horford acquisition is starting to make more sense now. Rodney ‘Ganton’ Hood (25 PTS) and Dame Lillard (33 PTS, 8 3PM) were sniping for Rip City. It wasn’t enough as they fell to .500 on the season. I wouldn’t of guarded Korkmaz either. Chalk this loss up to a glitch in the system. Nothing to fret about. Skal Labissiere needs to start though. #FreeSkal, #SkalNotScal. 

Sunday, November 3

Pacers (3-3) def. Bulls (2-5), 108-95

 T.J. ‘The Walking Bucket’ Warren returned to form (26 PTS) and Malcolm Brogdon came through (22 PTS) as the Pacers emerged victors against the unbelievaBULLy bad Bulls. TJ Leaf also randomly double-doubled (13 PTS, 15 REB) off the bench. UCLA stand up. Wendell Carter Jr. was en fuego in his 20-10 performance (20 PTS, 10 REB, 9/10 FG) and Zach LaVine had a routine 20 piece (21 PTS). Whatever though. The Bulls stink. The sooner Coby White breaks out of his slump the more enthusiastic these Bulls write-ups will be. 

Heat (5-1) def. Rockets (3-3), 129-100

 The Heat have been one of the best teams in the league throughout the first two weeks. This W over the Rockets is living proof. #HeatCulture is thriving in a way that hasn’t been seen since the era where the ‘Big 3’ won 7 titles (or was it 6?). Jimmy ‘Alpha’ Butler played basketball very well (18 PTS, 9 REB, 7 AST, 4 STL), Meyers Leonard put in a rare performance (21 PTS, 3 STL) and Duncan Robinson balled out (23 PTS, 7 3PM). Does everyone play well in a Heat uniform? The gems always glow down in South Beach. Miami also unleashed James ‘Just Try G-Check Me’ Johnson off the bench (17 PTS). Dragic (15 PTS) and Tyler Herro (12 PTS) also contributed off the bench. A true team performance from the South Floridians. James Harden (29 PTS) got his numbers. No one else really showed up. Apart from Chris Clemons (16 PTS) who debuted in style for D’Antoni’s Rockets. H-Town was run out of their own building in this contest. 

Kings (2-5) def. Knicks (1-6), 113-92

 In a contest between two below-average squads, the Kings defied the Luke Walton effect to extend their winning streak to 2. They’re back on the ascent to becoming an average basketball team now. Maybe they took all the L’s at the start of the year to dilute their hype. Swipa no Swiping (24 PTS), Buddy Hield (22 PTS, 5 3PM), Harrison Barnes (19 PTS) and Richaun Holmes (14 PTS, 10 REB) helped Sac-Town secure the dub. Marcus Morris Sr. (28 PTS) and RJ Barrett (20 PTS) got their own buckets in the abysmal loss. The Knicks are a clusterfuck. Team Options are about to be declined this offseason. The pieces aren’t hitting. Knicks fans are yearning for the days of Renaldo Balkman. 

Lakers (5-1) def. Spurs (4-2), 103-96

 LeBronthony Davis ensured it was smooth sailing for the Lakers in the AT&T Center. LBJ (21 PTS, 11 REB, 13 AST), AD (25 PTS, 11 REB, 4 BLK), KCP (14 PTS) and Dwight Howard (14 PTS, 13 REB, 2 BLK, 7/7 FG) had the Purp and Gold clickin’. Dwightmare back? Lets get it! DeJounte (18 PTS, 11 REB) and Rudy Gay (16 PTS, 10 REB) doubled up like Ma$e in the loss. Rob Pelinka is somewhere making biblical references about his team’s start to the year. KCP in double digits = insta-win. The key to a title is KCP AKA House Arrest Shawty. 

Mavericks (4-2) def. Cleveland (2-4), 131-111

 Luka-Magic performed more witchcraft to attain another triple-double (29 PTS, 15 AST, 14 REB) and Porzingis protected the house (18 PTS, 6 BLK) in an easy win for the Mavs. K-Love was in Timberwolves mode (29 PTS, 8 REB, 5 3PM) putting up numbers in losses. That’s Kevin Love’s specialty. Everytime I read a Cleveland box score I react like Odell Beckham Jr. Time to commit to the tank Beilein. 

Clippers (5-2) def. Jazz (4-3), 105-94

  Clipset’s 3 stars: Kawhi (30 PTS), Trezz (19 PTS) and LouWill (17 PTS) attained Diplomatic Immunity against the Jazz. Big W’s for the Blue/Red City Byrdgang. PG13 is doing 3 on 3 drills in practise. It’s only a matter of time until we witness what these Clippers are truly capable of. Spida Mitchell put the Jazz on his back (36 PTS). Can the Jazz live up to the hipster hype? We will find out in the coming months. 

Week Two brought us more NBA madness. The season is still a while away from heating up. Don’t hesitate to join us as we break down what’s really good with the state of the NBA. The early surprises have emerged, the disappointments have shattered fanbases hopes and Luke Walton is still an NBA coach. Salute to Kendrick Nunn and #HEATCulture is for real. 6ers vs. Heat will be interesting to say the least. #KATDidNothingWrong.  

Weekly Smack and More NBA content coming at you every week on LO-FI: The Magazine!

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